Oh yeah, I would have fucked the pope, for sure!

I miss the pope. Not so much because of a spiritual loss or departed leadership but, I don’t know how to finish this sentence. Wait a tick! Thinking about it I now know the cause of my sorrow. With his sweet soul departed, the heavy burden of religious right fascism is left to fall onto the humble shoulders of our own little Hitler-to-be, George W. No matter, I am sure he will rise to the occasion or die of an overdose trying. My faith is strong, Father and W.

But I digress (read ADD is a real bitch for context).

That the pope has expired – and that the three day window for resurrection has shut – is fact. However, following the day’s grim news, the concern was: how would I, Ari Miller, deal with a post-pope existence on an emotional level?

Enter Galgalatz.

Not only did the popular music radio station of Israel’s unpopular army help to ease my pain,* but it offered an actual reason for my need of a Jewish state. Imagine it: The female DJ begins her introduction, with a soothing and erotic voice. Her slight rasp belies whether she is on the verge of tears or coming down with a cold. The pope’s death is the major, if not only, news story of the day (with Terry Schiavo having lost her two-week battle with anorexia) and the airwaves are not immune to a couple of existential thoughts interjected, no matter how brief or inane.

But the upcoming song was special. A remark of the pope’s passing could hardly be called random - in this case it was the whole freakin’ point. The coming song would be a dual natured, pope-themed dedication. One part in memory of, and the second to help us ease through the pain of loss. And then…
To all the ladies in the place with style and grace
Allow me to lace these lyrical douches in your bushes
God damn mother fucker, the first two lines of “Big Poppa” by Notorius B.I.G. Oh, and the rest of the song followed, of course. Right the fuck on!

Where else but in the Jewish state could you get away with raunchy, inappropriate and blasphemous shit as this? Certainly, not in any god fearing society. At first, one might think it possible in a Muslim country. But, other than the fact that they might not allow too much Western or American music on their radio in any case, it is doubtful that they would go for this chorus:
[I love it when you call me big pop-pa]
Throw your hands in the air, if youse a true player
[I love it when you call me big pop-pa]
To the honies gettin’ money playin’ niggaz like dummies
[I love it when you call me big pop-pa]
If you got a gun up in your waist
please don't shoot up the place
Cause I see some ladies tonight
who should be havin’ my baby
Bay-bee
to hit their sensitive, allah-fearing, hi-jacked plane flying ear lobes.

Thank you IDF. Thank you Galgalatz. And, thank you David Ben-Gurion. I am a Zionist!

In between the drug and alcohol induced stupors that, along with army pop radio, have guided me through these horrible times, I got to thinking. If there is a heaven, it doesn’t seem right that any orthodox person could be turned away – regardless of religious affiliation. The traditional belief that there are a couple of large, Russian bouncers standing behind a maroon, velvet rope at the gates to eternal bliss who turn away folk because their devotion included the wrong hat seems totally incongruent with the notion of a compassionate god.

Confidently, I can say that any orthodoxy is more about the worship of dogma drafted some time back than it is about an actual deity. The real good religious people keep god in mind while acknowledging that they will never know and can never know god’s will. The super duper orthos will openly admit that so much of their daily life is based upon the dogmatic notions of dead people. But, once again, I digress.

Rank and file orthodox deserve our pity. Not because they’re good or bad, such criterion are gauged by personal action, not by choice of temple. But, there are millions of people out there, of myriad faiths, with myriad variations, devoting their lives to the service of some god sold to them by some insecure asshole who, most likely, chose faith out of an inability to get laid. (or from their parents, and we know how fucked up parents can be). Meaning, they got bamboozled by some fucker (or fuckers) who alleviates his own poor self-esteem by preying upon the perceived insecurities of others. When they all get together in one group they can be happy, asides from the obvious challenge posed by all those people getting along just fine without having accepted their truth as truth. Thus, proselytizing (including intra-faith proselytizing) becomes an issue; and, once again, I digress.

In summation, it is a misnomer to say that someone can choose the wrong faith - they’re all bullshit. Worth, I would venture to say, is all about your actions. This should be a persons litmus test to pass through those golden gates and receipt of 72 virgins. And, to boot, I’d put money on god not giving a god damned fuck whether you want your magic 72 to be of the opposite sex or the same.

But, just to be sure, I like the ladies. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

*while at the same time causing pain for numerous Palestinians and left-wing activists.