Suggestions for the Settlers

By Zev Forman and Ari Miller

We offer our advice – stemming from our own experiences having been evicted for reasons of financial delinquency and differences of moral perspective. To our orange brothers, overall we say, put on some blue and get on over here you crazy bastards. Each of us moved to Israel proper and things couldn’t be better.*

1. Get a beer, something stronger perhaps.

2. If Israel doesn’t work out, there’re plenty of hilltops in Iraq under American occupation. And that occupation looks like it has some staying power.

3. Set a good example for the Palestinians for when we come for them.

4. Moving to the West Bank is just asking for more trouble. (Tel Aviv may be hot, but it’s really nice and offers some stability)

5. Just relax, it’s all in good fun.

6. There’ll be plenty of Arabs to subjugate inside the green line.

7. Want to be a real Zionist? Move to the Negev.

8. Don’t worry, the international community will still look down upon you even after your move – especially France.

9. Recycle all those orange ribbons – you don’t want to piss off the environmental lobby, too.

10. If you barricade yourself wrapped in a prayer shawl within a synagogue, double check there are no Germans with a match in the vicinity.

11. Now you’ll all have more time to focus on other marginal right-wing causes such as, keeping non-Orthodox Judaism unrecognized in Israel, suppressing human rights for homosexuals and all those other problems associated with a non-theocratic state.

12. Just because you lost, does NOT mean you have to like it.

13. Now that you know religious fanaticism doesn’t work, why not try television and fast food.

14. As normal people pull their orange shirts out of the closet again, you can sit back and have a knowing chuckle that you fucked up their wardrobe for a brief period of time.

15. If you really pay attention to the disengagement plan you’ll realize that your kids will still get to go back to Gaza for visits during reserve duty – as long as they follow orders.

16. Don’t feel bad, we’re sure those orange stars seemed like a good idea at the time.

17. Think about all the money you could make with crazy tourist t-shirts with slogans like, “I lived in Gaza for 30 years and all I got was this stupid disengagement” or “No one in Gaza loves me” or “Apparently Jews DO transfer other Jews. My Bad!”

18. Now when Palestinian refugees hold up the keys to their old homes in Jaffa, you can answer with the keys to your old homes in Gaza – except for the compensation you received.

THE REAL LESSON: Now religious and secular will be able to go back to hating each other over issues that don’t involve color.

*definition of the word ‘better’ is subjective** with no explicit meaning of ‘good’ or ‘gooder’

**we do acknowledge that subjectivity is objective