Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Why aliyah seemed like a good idea at the time.

After four and half years of living in the land of milk, honey and a bitter after taste I’m still frequently asked, “Why did you move to Israel?” What I’ve noticed is that this question is little more than a polite mannerism Israelis ask immigrants in the same most people ask one another, “How’s it going?” No answer is expected, no answer is needed and, all too often, no answer is wanted. But, no! There are many good reasons explaining why a guy like me is in a place like this. I thought to take the opportunity to list a number of them – Zionism and Judaism not included.

1) I grew up eating Jaffa oranges. Call it gastronomical Zionism if you will but many Diaspora Jews have taken to eating Israeli produce as a show of support for our war torn homeland. More often than not, Diaspora Jewish commitment to Israeli produce is so strong that it supplants actual physical visits.

Every time I peeled my dimpled, orange sphere it’s possible that I was thinking I was peeling away the Zionist state itself. I don’t know, I wasn’t there. But it is true that Jaffa oranges are tasty and orange. So it seemed that moving to the place from where they came was a good idea.

What I didn’t know is that there are multiple varieties of oranges that come from outside the US, where I grew up. Specifically, Valencia oranges, which, if I’m not mistaken, come from Spain. I was in Spain recently and it’s really fucking nice. It turns out that the Jews have a lock on the media and the banks, just not produce.

2) At one point during my university career I was approached by a Mossad agent. He presented me with a very simple choice – move to Israel or get cancer. After weighing the pros and cons to each scenario, aliyah edged out cancer – though it wasn’t really a fair competition since the Mossad agent never told me what kind of cancer it would be.

3) Without a doubt, I moved to Israel for the women. Israeli ladies are fucking hot – and that’s an indisputable fact no matter what end of the theo-political divide you come from. Then again, none of these women seem to be interested in giving me any pussy. So, what was the fucking point again?

4) I had heard from, if I remember correctly, a Conservative Rabbi, that when a suicide bomber explodes on a bus candy rains down. Having witnessed a couple attacks since moving here, it turns out that, rather than delicious candy, horrific chunks of human flesh fall all around. This leaves me with the curious uncertainty as to whether what I originally heard was an outright lie or if I simply misunderstood whatever it was. I’m inclined to believe it was a lie since that is what Conservative Judaism is based upon anyway.

5) Having been born too late to own a slave in the United States – my family, on both sides, were living in the Ukraine during slave times anyway – I thought it would be awesome to own a Palestinian. Sure, prefacing “nigger” with “sand” is just another way of saying “sub par,” but I was really fucking tired of doing my own laundry, cooking and picking my own cotton.

It turns out that the whole notion of owning a Pallie (as I imagined Palestinians might be marketed) is moot. First, it seems that you can’t actually own a Palestinian here.* And, second, cotton doesn’t grow in the desert.

6) I thought I’d get a kick out of paying double for consumer electronics. Turns out I was wrong about that.

So, there you have it. Some very possible reasons I made up to explain why I made aliyah, which, I should have pointed out earlier, means to ascend as much as it does to get fucked in the ass. Feel free to leave some reasons for making aliyah of your own.

*It turns out, perhaps ironically, that you can take a Palestinian’s land, shoot at them if you’re in the army or a settler, blow them up (same two scenarios), harass and humiliate them (again, in uniform or across the green line), force them into Bantustans and exploit them as a work force, but, for some reason, not own them outright.

16 Comments:

At 10:56 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

Ari...I loved this post. I really did.

 
At 10:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"This is the most offensive post yet."- Ari Miller

 
At 2:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am at work and my annoying coworker said "I want to laugh to. You are even crying from laughing. I want to cry to."

This was in a foreign accent of some kind. this shit is too hilarious ari.

So, there you have it. Some very possible reasons I made up to explain why I made aliyah, which, I should have pointed out earlier, means to ascend as much as it does to get fucked in the ass. Feel free to leave some reasons for making aliyah of your own. ...... nefesh b'nefesh here i come

 
At 3:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmm... seems like I've heard you say this all before... Oh wait... I did! Glad you left out my "copyright/trademark" title for my future pulitzer prize winning novel that I'm procrastinating writing while I procrastinate and dred fininsh writing that script with my friend... ;)

 
At 5:47 PM, Blogger Ari said...

Anonymous, who are you and what the hell are you talking about?

wildroze22, identify yourself and your friend. Explain yourself further and are you and is your friend hot?

cara, stop crying and i don't want to say nefesh b'nefesh is evil, but I have no way to finish this sentence.

nefesh b'nefesh, if you give me money for my having made aliyah then i won't say you're evil. please.

 
At 7:14 PM, Blogger Shayna said...

Oh Ari.... :)

 
At 5:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Me personally, I came for the low, low prices and stayed for the relaxed lifestyle.

 
At 9:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I came because I figured it would be more interesting to live in a country of quasi-intelligent Jewish fascists than in a country of absolute ignorant WASP fascists... but, hey... that's just me.

 
At 5:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

this was hilarious - came here thru ontheface/gvo.
On another note:
I was thinking that you might be able avoid thefunny characters from apostrophes by pasting it into notepad first.

 
At 11:04 AM, Blogger Ari said...

Anonymous - I pasted the posting from Word, which is what i have always done, and this is a new problem. Will pasting from notepade (or the Mac version) eliminate this problem? More advice would be great. Thanks for the compliment and identify yourself god damn it!

 
At 12:21 PM, Blogger Stefanella said...

Well balanced; A touch of offensive with a hint of over-the-top and a perfect, make the point finish...

when I moved back (now how messed up is that? came back for more punishment), my bro in San Fran IM'd to ask how the Israeli girls are...When I replied "beautiful as ever", his comment was a near copy of yours! hmmmmmmmm...interesting

 
At 1:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your posting was funny, although I couldn't relate to most of it since I don't live there. But it leaves me with one question: Not why did you move to Israel, but why the hell and damnation do you stay there?

 
At 1:38 AM, Blogger Ari said...

Stephanie - They say imitation is the greatest form of flattery. Your brother will be hearing from my lawyers shortly (don't worry I have neither the lawyers or the social standing within any community).

Yael - It wasn't me that fucked up you computer but god. In your comment you typed the big ass in the sky's name with a dash in place of the 'o' but without a big 'G' - WTF?

But thanks.

 
At 6:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of fermented goat’s milk.
One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, he’s a martyr."
"This is my second son. He is a martyr also."
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully,
"They blow up so fast, don’t they?"

 
At 6:30 PM, Blogger Sara said...

When they ask me that I say that I always dreamed of being yelled at at the bank.


--



The Immigrant Medical Blog

Read it now! http://sarainisrael.blogspot.com

 
At 2:44 AM, Blogger Annie's Blog said...

I made Aliyah because no matter how many American Jews I dated, they were all too damn emotionally immature, spoiled, talk the talk but can't walk the walk bunch of mama's boys. But that's just the Jewish men in NY, CA & FL...

Also, as hot as the Israeli women are, the men are even hotter. More importantly, I won't even attempt to compare the intimate arts of pleasing women that Israeli men have mastered to the Jewish American mens' inaptness - which is why Israeli girls play childrens' games with the American Jewish boys for fun & kicks, they're just too easy to mess with.. but when it's time for some adult games, well, they know which door to knock on..

signed - extremely satisfied and happily married - from sunny Tel Aviv

 

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