It truly was a magical holiday for everyone but me.

Passover 5766 is now behind us and, do to the special circumstance of this year’s festival, it deserves a retrospective. A retrospective that is, from Israel.

For those who do not know it, this holiday, which centers around the complimenting foci of the elimination of leavened bread and the harboring of only unleavened bread, is one day shorter in Israel. That is to say in Israel there are seven days of Passover while in the Diaspora it’s a week plus one. Due to this fact, in Israel there is only one seder meal, while in the Diaspora there are two. The seder, of course, is the first or first and second nights of the holiday when Jewish families gather together to retell their ancestors liberation from bondage in Egypt, partake in the eating of said unleavened bread and then drive home in their Mercedes and/or reasonably priced Japanese cars. Every year it is the same exact story that is told and it never changes. A point made all the more ridiculous when you perform this ritual two nights in a row – stupid, stupid Diaspora.

The thing is that, while in the Diaspora observing the rights of this holiday are optional while the non-Jewish, or Goys as they are called in the Hebrew original, world continues to function as if God’s chosen people were not already inconvenienced enough with such a highly restrictive diet, in Israel everyone observes the traditions and God’s laws as if one might burn in hell were he not to act in direct accordance to His will.

Unlike within the Goyisha Diaspora, the true magic of Passover shines through in Israel which, as a result, allows for the real magic of Israel to shine through. Passover, referred to in the Hebrew original as Pesach, is the closest thing we have to a holiday season in this country. In preparation for our week of matzah, as the unleavened flatbread is called in the Hebrew original, everyone in the country performs a thorough cleaning. More than the average “spring cleaning” this includes home, automobile, business, street and nature – anywhere that even the tiniest morsel of leaven may be found. As you should now be imagining, the country sparkles and shines when that first day of Passover rolls around. As should be expected, when you’re goal is the national annihilation of leavened bread, or hametz as it is called in Hebrew original, it’s a task that must be undertook on a national level. And, when an entire nation pitches in you can get your country really fucking clean.

Cleanliness is, as we Jews know, next to godliness. But, we also know that it is not enough. Work may equal freedom but suffering equals salvation and, in the end, we Jews know that’s what it’s all about. So, for seven straight days, Israel exists as a completely leaven free zone, commonly referred to as the LFZ in the Hebrew original. Aside from Passover 1968, during which there was a major confusion and the LFZ was mistaken for a zone in which all leaven could take refuge, not even the non-Jewish residents and temporary citizens partake in leaven as a sign of respect of the superiority of the Jewish God over all other gods, with the one possible exception being Jesus who is often called the new and improved God in the Hebrew original.

All of this translates to every last restaurant either being closed for the holiday vacation or being opened with a Passover friendly menu. For all intents and purposes it would be preferable were all restaurants to close rather than taunt the leaven deprived citizenry with dishes that, while still being called by their regular names, do not resemble nor taste like their 51-week incarnations.

However, during this week, freedom and liberation are gloriously celebrated by every last person in Israel with the exception being the indentured servants who come from various Asian countries and care for our Jewish-Israeli elderly and build our Jewish-Israeli homes, including old age homes (ah, the circle of life). And, this creates a unique holiday atmosphere unparalleled within any other culture or society with the exception of Israel where most everyone is leaven starved, stark raving mad and overtaken with the mass consumer culture that now pervades our society as it tries to decide whether it should be more like New York City or Los Angeles.

Next year in Tel Aviv!