You don’t win friends with salad – and that’s the truth, dickfor.

By Asi Gal

People are always asking me, “Hey Asi, what’s it like being a nerd?” To which I answer, “Your momma’s a nerd! Say that again and I’ll kill you with my spork!” Then I realize that using a Simpson’s reference as part of a threat is nerdish – and so is saying ‘nerdish’. And thus, I come to accept my lot in this life.

I take comfort in knowing that many great people are also nerds - Robin Williams, Al Gore and Abe “but I love the theater” Lincoln. Of course there’s also Adolph “I always do what I’m told” Eichmann, but I have a hard time viewing him as a role model what with the glasses and all. But, the fact remains that these people have all left their mark. Well, except for Gore, who will probably be forgotten by the next US elections or possibly by the time you’re finished reading this. It’s a shame, cause I really loved his little bear dance – at least I think that was Gore.

Anyway, what many people have a hard time understanding is whether or not they themselves are nerds. For deciphering personal status I have compiled a small list that tells you whether you were a nerdy kid and thus will always be a little nerd (Or, in Karim Abdul Jabbar’s case, a giant nerd. Yes, that was a nerd’s joke).

To be certain, number one on the list is not: if you compile a list to ascertain whether you are or are not a nerd. Trust me, the fact that you’re reading this blog to begin with is already much more nerdish. That being said, here’s the list:

a) Your first and only cigarette prior to but possibly including high school was your mom’s. You smoked it alone behind your house and you felt dangerous. Then you tried again because it’s addictive.

b) You were sure that if you used the “look at the girl, then when she looks at you, you quickly look away” technique at the cute girl in the third row of your arithmetic class then eventually she will come over and talk to you. And, despite that she never did you were certain it was the girl and not the technique and still, most likely, use the same technique to this day, certain that it is a matter of time until the right girl comes along.

c) You only told fart jokes when everyone else did but yours were always a bit too much. Like when everyone else farted you farted as well but a little poo found its way into your pants. Or, the few times when you tired of your trust technique (see ‘b’ above) you would try attracting that generically cute and popular girl with a well timed fart in her face.

d) You repeatedly discovered that there are some things that only popular kids are allowed to say. Not you. You are not popular. You’re a nerd.

e) You wiped mucus on your sleeve despite the fact that your mother included a small pack of tissues in your packed lunch and/or backpack.

f) You collected trading cards but didn’t play games with them, know anything about the player/game the card represented n did you understand the point of them (with the possible exception of Garbage Pail Kids). You only traded them.

g) Sometimes, on a lazy afternoon you would go to play basketball with three other kids in the third grade. You were in the sixth. Of course, besides you, your best friend would be there. He is also an OCD Bissli Grill dismantler.

h) At class parties you would arrive with great looking shoes because, really, that was all you had going for you.

i) You would go shopping with your mom for new clothes at least until but very likely including high school. And even with, though perhaps despite, your bourgeoning masculinity, she would swing open the dressing room curtain while you were in the middle of trying on pants to both ask how they fit in the crotch and show you the matching top she found “to complete the outfit.”

j) You bought Levi’s and GAP and Benetton clothing just because all the cool kids had them. It didn’t help.

And so, if you are a complete nerd, in which case your mom still buys your clothes for you and sex, if you have it, always seems neat, you might read this list and feel that it has somewhat exposed you. You might be thinking to yourself, “I dance ok. I have good sex. Hey, I even have hair gel!”

How did I know you were a nerdy kid?

Because you still are. And, trust me, everyone knows it.

You’re still a nerd.

But the good kind.

Like Al... ummmm… I wanna say Dore?