A few nights ago I was invited to a Sium.

By Zev Forman

Last week I attended a sium, a party for finishing the studying of a section of Mishna. I was excited at the prospect of there being, not only Jewish learning, prayer and religious coercion, but that I would have to wear one of those silly little Jewish hats – you know, the kind that makes my head (and possibly yours) look pointy. However, being that I am quite fond of the short, little guy in whose honor we were celebrating (not Jesus), I put my worries away, took my yalmurkah out and headed out.

The “party,” a term I use loosely given the absence of strippers, was held at Norman’s, a meat restaurant well known within the Jerusalem Anglo community. As a vegetarian, my prospects of a filling and enjoyable meal were very decidedly low. But, I have attended many meals with meat eaters as the centerpieces and I am pretty tolerant of my carnivorous brothers and sisters. Thus, I didn’t think that the meat eating would affect me, yet for the past three days, it has been my all consuming thought.

First, I need to explain a few things about Norman’s. This is an establishment in the middle of Jerusalem (located on Emek Refaim St.) that no self-respecting Israeli has ever stepped foot into – with the possible exception being the few Arabs that work in the kitchen (shhh, don’t tell the right-wing crowd of diners who frequent the place!). The clientele at Norman’s is exclusively American and almost exclusively religious. As I mentioned, Norman’s is famous, and the delightful treat that made them so is something called the “Kilo Burger”. Yes, it is exactly what it sounds like.

For all of you American readers who are not sure what a Kilo is, let me explain in terms that you might understand. It is a fuck load of meat. The delectable burgers that we all love, in theory only, from McyD’s are called “quarter pounders”. There are 2.2 pounds in a kilo, which means that the Kilo burger is about 8.5 “quarter pounders”. If you are a vegetarian, let me explain in terms that you too might understand. There are 8 “eighths” in an ounce – ok, listen carefully hippy, there are 16 ounces in a pound. That means there are 260 “eighths” in one of these burgers. And, that is a lot of fucking dope.

Like I said earlier, it is not the eating of meat per say that offends me. It is the decadence of it all that I find totally disgusting. I don’t fully understand how stuffing more food into your mouth than your body can possibly handle translates to something manly or fun. Maybe if I opened a restaurant that had rulers on the tables so that all the male patrons could simply measure their manliness - without the accompanying stomach cramps and vomiting - it would be really successful.

The kilo burger, to me, is the manifestation of everything American that really pisses me off. It is the SUV of foods. This is Wal-Mart and Abu-Ghraib; nuclear proliferation and drilling for oil in Alaska. This is the mentality that nothing in the world matters but us. I’m just not sure how any human being can think that such waste is ok while others are starving. No, fuck that, even if people where not starving this excess would be offensive. I hate drawing clear cut distinctions like good and evil the way that our brilliant, American commander and chief does, but, when it comes down to it, the only way I see it is that the people who partake in this devilish delicacy are evil. I’d go so far as to put them on the same level as the Nazis, but even Hitler was a vegetarian.

Finally, the fact that the overwhelming majority of Norman’s patrons are religious Americans, drawn in by this gigantic burger of death, teaches me something about Judaism. After the meal, everyone at the sium recited the grace after the meal. Amongst other hilarious anomalies, the text includes, “Blessed are you, our God…who sustains the entire world through his goodness with grace, kindness, and compassion… He benefits all and provides food for all his creatures that he has created.” Don’t these seemingly pious people fucking get the hypocrisy they practice through the immoral act of eating 2.2 pounds of meat for diner when they pass their starving and homeless brothers and sisters (let’s not forget that the Jewish state has Jewish homeless) begging for food outside of Norman’s. It is because they are gluttonousness sinners.

I hope that everyone who has ever eaten a Kilo burger burns eternally in Hell.