“Mommy, please don’t let the man with the knife near my happy member.”

By Asi Gal & Ari Miller

I was at a brit today. Nothing makes you want to write a blog entry more than that holy union between God, Abraham, Israel and a baby screaming as if, well, as if his penis is being cut.

Frickin’ hell! Is there anything more horrific?

For all you goy readers, women and Jewish male readers too old to remember how the ritual of Jewish male genital mutilation goes, it’s something like this. There is this baby lying in his crib, he thinks to himself, ”I wonder if it’s time for me to open my eyes. Something sure does feel cold in my down area. I wonder what tha…whoooohaaaa!”

Why couldn’t God connect with Abraham through something simpler, like a Lance Armstrong bracelet. At eight days we would come, put a bracelet on a baby and then nosh on some bagels and pickles.

At this particular festive celebration of minor surgery that may be performed on your kitchen table, the Mohel’s name was David Chick-Chack – roughly translated this means Quicky David. He’s very famous on the religious Kibbutz circuit in the center of Israel. He’s the fastest Mohel in the west. You haven’t finished saying please God save us and he’s already in his Peugeot on his way to another still fully foreskined customer.

As a non-religious Jew it is difficult for me to understand, what’s the deal with the “oh, God please save us” prayer before the Brit? Are they hoping that just seconds before the cut, God’s hand would come down and say to David, “you can stop now. I’m here. You don’t need to cut him.” David would be bummed because than he wouldn’t be able to prove how fast he is (a man has to prove how good he is at his capabilities. Must I remind you of the popularity of the spittoon back in the days of the Old West. That’s all those guys did, spit in a bucket, but by God, they did it well and in public.) But, in poor David’s case, there is nothing he could do. He gave God the option to save and God indeed saved. Hooray for God.*

But the thing that seems to me as the number one bummer is that it is with a stroke of the knife with which the male enters the Jewish nation. Yes, all of us (well, most of us) are proud to be Jews. That eons long tradition of Moses, Masada, the Six Day War, David Brenner, it’s all good. But who would actually choose to be a Jew? With all the anti-us: the persecution, pogroms, murder, guilt, gefilte fish and penis cutting – you can’t forget the penis cutting. Who needs it?

Wouldn’t you rather be a Christian sitting in Oslo who’s entire hardship is limited to an Elk obstructing his view of a fiord?

With one stroke we send the kid off to years of feeling bad about the girls he likes and wants to date were it not for his disproportionately over concern for his mom. Years of obscure ceremonies (“Vayevarech Elohim et bnei Yisrael le’eeemor” - six months of preparation for fifteen minutes of humiliation on a random Saturday morning) and a nation that still yearns to be free but considers going to Eilat as getting away from it all? Jesus. No wonder I already know that the eight-day-old baby in front of my eyes is going to circumcise his own kid. Revenge.

I wish God would save. But who can outperform David Chick-Chack? He really is that fast and with a 97% success rate.

Perhaps the best solution would be to give the child the possibility to choose. At age thirteen, instead of reading a sermon about David and his morning surprise (I understand I was nothing more than your boy-toy but why did you take all the hair?) the kid makes the decision himself if he wants his nippy knicked. But I know that then the percentage of those that choose to be Jews would be around five. ”No, I still can’t come over to play Playstation. I need to ice my dick. Yeah, at least two more weeks.”

It is true that Muslims boys choose to do it but they are a people who also find it relatively easy to convince its members that suicide by explosion is the way to go.

Thus I return to my previous suggestion - a Lance Armstrong bracelet. That way not only will the kid choose Jewish but will undoubtedly be excited about wanting to become a Jew. What kid would choose to be different? The main problem will be when dealers start selling counterfeit Jew bracelets for half price. But kids have a sixth sense for such things and would be able to instinctively identify the real one. Sort of like the dorky kids who wore Livi’s jeans. Close but not cool. But everyone’s penis stays intact, and isn’t that really better than imposing the egalitarian solution of imposing female genital mutilation on Jewish girl babies?

P.S. Instead of long beards, black hats and foul body odor, a very committed Jew could be identified as the one who buys the original Jew bracelet – as opposed to the knock off - for half price. Nothing says Jewish better than jewing down a Jew for the quintessential Jewish symbol.

P.P.S. If you do decide on giving your kid a circumcision, no matter if it’s because you adhere to Jewish mythology over Greek mythology or because you believe in outdated superstition under the guise of it being “the word of god” or because your main source of medical knowledge is limited to “let the leeches suck it out” or “a cut penis is a clean penis”, let a doctor do it. And, hell, have them use some anesthesia. Hopefully, that will be at least one step in the direction away from therapy. Though obviously therapy will eventually come. He’s a Jew. But, at least he’ll only have to go back to day number nine.

*But really, Hooray for Boobies. After all, this whole circumcision thing was god’s crappy idea to begin with, and I’m supposed to get all excited because all of a sudden god has some type of revelation. God’s punk ass had better be reading this blog and, in addition to leaving a comment (and not an anonymous comment), realize that saving one little pecker just isn’t going to cut it when so many have already been cut in his name. Fucking pervert.

For further reading on the subject: Metzitzah b'peh