Sunday, January 22, 2006

“A cap is worth a thousand words.” Or, “How to spot a North American resident of the United States of American.”

By Asi Gal

Ok, I want to talk about America. One of my best friends, roommate of nearly two years and heterosexual, male soul mate is an American living in Israel. (I'm sure most of you know who he is). On occasion, he has the tendency to yearn for American items - including American women, who swallow, according to him. (On the other hand they also believe in Jesus as their savior, which just goes to show that you’ve got to take the good along with the bad). Being that he is an American makes it difficult for me to refer to him as a soul mate of any sort seeing how he's an idiot.

Americans are pretty dumb - that's the whole truth in a nutshell. They’re funny but they’re dumb. Of course, us Israelis are much smarter since we can all drive tanks and wear ribbons of different colors to express our range of political opinions: orange - you're a crazy fascist, blue - that you're ravishingly gay and red - that you are polite on the road. Yeah, no one wears the red one. Usually, people that try to hand out the red one also wear blue; and, we know what they are.

But I am not trying to look down on Americans. God knows I wish to be in the States and have as many Twinkies as I can eat during a spell of the munchies. The only reason I feel obliged to put Americans down is because of their numerous columns about Israel and Israelis. True that those columns are usually on websites which only dorks read, but seeing how all those dorks are Americans the vicious circle continues and it's about to devour all the Krembo (the Israeli Ding Dong or Trip Top or Munushy or what ever dumb name they’ve got there for a cookie topped with whipped cream then covered with chocolate. You see: krem=cream, bo=inside it. All together that equals Krembo. Hebrew food is logical. I doubt that the dogs of the devil are soft, fluffy and filled with cream).

First of all Americans, where do you come from? Your answer is probably, "from America. I'm an American". Yeah? Are you from Panama? Cause that's America too. And Canada? They're even bigger than you are! Sure they're as funny as the stick you have left after finishing your Popsicle. But, hey, at least they're not pretentious.

Second, in case anyone's wondering, here's how you can spot Americans. Ask them to call you later on. When they do, if they say, "Hi it's Ami Riller", you know it's an American. Why do I need your last name? Do we need to be formal when you just want to know how much I am selling my Subaru for? (Subaru: a sensible, Japanese car. Americans should know that there are other cars in the world besides cars that could fit a hearse inside them. Yes, being an Israeli, I still believe that all Americans drive Cadillacs (Escalades, from what I’ve seen on the television), money rolls on the ground and people won't even move you to the sidewalk if you die in the middle of the street. At most they'll poke you with a stick emblazoned with a Nike logo).

Another way to spot an American is that they wear baseball caps. I have absolutely no idea why. You're inside the house. It's not even sunny. Your hair…well, it does have the shape of a dying turtle, but that's only because of the stupid cap. My only guess is that it's meant to cover your brain from cooling off too much so that the next time someone asks you where you're from you won't answer, “I live above Mexico. I am an under-Canadian.”

And finally, the food. My roommate who writes a blog and likes saying fuck a lot (Sometimes in the most erroneous of places, "Man I just saw your grandma. Man, is she a fuckin' grandma!" Although true, grossly inappropriate. Sometimes, he just uses fuck instead of words, "I am so hungry I could fuckin'!" but he does make a mean Matzo ball, so all is forgiven.) wrote about the chemicals of the beloved Israeli drink- Petel. A colory drink. We all get hooked on it around kindergarten. I once sucked a weewee for Petel - but that's irrelevant (best Petel I ever had).

As a response, I thought of writing about American food. But I just couldn't come up with anything which would be completely appropriate so here's something instead: Pop Tarts, Lucky Charms, Devil Dogs, Twinkies, Caramellos, E.L. Fudge, Doritos (Cool Ranch and all others), Kool Aid, Twizzlers and the list goes on. It's all crap. Delicious, delicious McCrap. It's like there was a war and chemicals had to find a place to rendezvous, so they took refuge in a 7-11 inside the food. The slogan for all American food should be, "You can taste the lack of quality" (but you'll gulp it down. You cap wearing morons).

I'm just happy the north won. At least eating Aunt Jemima’s pancakes isn't racist. And if the Negros say it is, learn from us. Run them over with a tank.

Asi is a nerd. He grew up, lives, works and studies in the greater Tel Aviv area. Most recently he has started his third BA, this one in social work. The first, which he did not complete was in biology; the second, which he did finish, was in history and English literature. When he grows up, Asi is very much looking forward to being an MA student. God speed little doodle.

24 Comments:

At 8:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Typical spoiled Westerner, a perpetual student in Israel - living off Mommy and Daddy's money. Join the real world and then provide your worthless social commentary. You wouldn't be in Israel if not for America's $upport.

 
At 8:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hahaha

great article

 
At 8:11 AM, Blogger Ari said...

Is it just me or does USA not get it. Learn to fucking read you poorly educated son of a bitch result of the American educational system. You just know this guy is pining for a job in the current administration. And the smart money's on him getting something good too. So I guess, once again, god speed little doodle. But this time fucking choke on that doodle and die, you god damned dickfor.

Also, next time, leave your name, fucking coward.

 
At 2:05 AM, Blogger Asi & Edo said...

i am obliged to respond to USA's cmment. i just want you to know that al my degrees are paid from my own money that i work hard for and hardly live. my parents give me around 50$ a month from the 1500$ a month they make/ yeah/ the rich american jews money does not reach my household. so i guess i can call you an asshole or an idiot or a puny little dick man, but i won't. i won't because , as most of the world, had come to terms with USA jumping to conclusions and stupid actions before really checking things through. although i'm sure those weapons of mass destruction will eventually turn up. i'm pretty sure jim has the. or dave. well' someone.
oh and Ari. enough with the nasty comments. i keep telling you ther is no Ami Riller but you don't listen. just cry and cry. and then try to sting me with calling me a nerd. and it hurts, man. it reallt does.

 
At 4:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1. Nearly 2.5 degrees and you still can't spell...Bummer.
2. U.S. money pays for your munchie supply no matter how independent you like to think you are.
3. Americans use last names because there are a whole lot of people in that big country over there...So guess what? Someone could REALLY meet two John's in the same day interested in his piece of shit Subaru. Israel: 5 million something. U.S.A...I rest my case. It's not a country of homogenous inbreds driving tanks. Think big, little doodle

 
At 8:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Looser said: "It's not a country of homogenous inbreds driving tanks."

I take it you haven't been to the Bible Belt ?

 
At 9:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Been to the bible belt, thanks. Still doesn't change the fact that this is an inbred country full of think-they-know-it-all l-o-s-e-r-s. What, you and Asi were in the same spelling class?

 
At 12:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'll take a wild bet that both Asi and myself spell much better than any average bible belt fanatic. Again, if you want to learn abut inbreeding, trailer park is your destination.

And this country is full of think-they-know-it-all losers ? Hahaha. Funny thing coming from a citizen of a country where in the geography books they place an equator on Texas.

BTW, how's your Hebrew spelling ? At least Asi is writing in a foreign language. I am taking a wild guess again, assuming that the whole concept of a foreign language would be a foreign thing to the majority of your country's citizens. "What foreign language? Doesn't everybody in the world speak 'American' ?"

 
At 12:53 PM, Blogger jinan said...

Anonymous: In this case know-it-all l-o-s-e-r-s is an oxymoron!

Asi, this is sublime! But you won't get a job in the current admin; there's no room for the sublime in it.

 
At 7:26 PM, Blogger mrhawaiianshirt said...

What I want to know Ari is, what is a dickfor?

Plus I wanted to mention to Asi that a lot of religious Jews in the US wear basball caps all of the time to hide the fact that they are wearing a Kipa. It is their own way of being ashamed of their Judaisim and I think we should applaud them for it.

 
At 1:08 AM, Blogger Rachel said...

As the winner of the 5th grade spelling bee, I can justifiably write here---GET OVER YOURSELF YOU SELF-CENTERED EDITOR, Yeah YOU,S,A! This wonderfully written piece is not about spelling but about voice. IF only you merited the chance to meet the A, A-Z writers of this blog...

 
At 2:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, only one major complaint:

Asi writes - "And Canada? They're even bigger than you are! Sure they're as funny as the stick you have left after finishing your Popsicle. But, hey, at least they're not pretentious."

Not pretentious?!? Obviously you've never come across these folks from north-north america.

Now, because you've got a decent amount of higher education, I'll put it in terms you can understand:

Candians are to Pretention as ______ are to ______ :

(please choose the one that 'best' answers the question)

A. Americans - McDonald's;
B. Shit - A Stick;
C. French - Pretention;
D. Israelis - Bad Driving;
E. Suicide Bombers - Low self esteem;
F. All of the above;
G. None of the above.

(i'll give you a hint, the answer is not G)

 
At 9:11 PM, Blogger caraleigh said...

ha! asi. love the use of parenthesses.

i fucking miss your ass. this american jew sans-baseball cap will be back in early May. hope you have time to get lost on street corners. keep up the good fight

 
At 7:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Negroes? What do "Negroes" have to do with any of this? Just leave them out, thanks.

 
At 9:26 PM, Blogger Asi & Edo said...

why are you one?
and just for the record, other annonymous (fuck my spelling. i care about it as much as you do about the negroes situation) Israel also has people with the samme first name, shockingly enough. yet we don't say our last name. once again you went and proved idiocy. and you tried to prove you're not one. are you the lawyer the cops took pn the rodney king trial?

 
At 7:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We were just talking about the "first name only" epidemic that occurs in Israel today at work... Whenever the secretary asks, "Mi mivkesh(et)?" the caller will say, for example, "Ronen" as if there are no other frickin Ronens in the entire country! Hmm.... we all kinda know that that ain't true... And then, to top that off... the secretary says, "Ok, Ronen, az m'aifo atah mitkesher?" and usually the "Ronen of the hour" says the damn city in which he is currently sitting on his ass smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee - yeah... a real bright breed. ;-)

 
At 11:22 AM, Blogger Ari said...

Yeah, I don't get Asi's hostility towards the last name deal. Why does it say "asi gal" for your name when you post a comment? Shouldn't it just say "asi"? Or are you interested in buying my Subaru? God your stupid.

And, for the love of Jesus, you can't go around assuming that everyone who leaves an anonymous comment is black.

I'm black.

 
At 3:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, I'm Jim from Iowa. I'm from Iowa, located in the middle of the United States of America. I am an IdiotAmerican. I watch American TV, read American newspapers and magazines, eat American food, wear American baseball caps, listen to American music, watch American sports. You see, I live the American lifestyle and that has made me an IdiotAmerican. But is that such a bad thing, really? We IdiotAmericans are basically a good-hearted lot. We believe in democracy and free speech. We're willing to give a helping hand to those in need. We're loyal to our friends. JUST DON'T PISS US OFF! Because if you do piss us off, you will enter a world of pain the likes of which you have never experienced before. Well, have a nice day, got to run, now. Oh, and one other thing about IdiotAmericans: we have bigger dicks (although yours are prettier).

Jim from Iowa
IdiotAmerican

 
At 10:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Weeeee loooveeee you Jiiiiiiim

 
At 7:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

zev,
i am in jerusalem. you should hang out with as i don't know anyone here. except one israeli friend that i made on the bus. thanks.
ariella

email me. ariella.linovski@alumni.uottawa.ca

 
At 12:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is freaking hilarious and right on. I just moved to Spain 7 months ago and can point out an American a mile away. Granted I can also point out an Israeli a mile away . . .

 
At 3:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Asi
With out us (U.S.A)you would have been ASS WIPE to the muslims.A Jew will be in the history books.But you are a Jew and don't know how to say thanks even when sombody helps you.Guess what asshole we got more JEW who live here than over there in your fucking so called motherland.So it says a lot.For the record I think Muslims are bunch of low life Camel Fuckers too.

One Dumb Immigrent American

 
At 10:27 AM, Blogger Asi & Edo said...

dear anonynmous,
it's the jews that rule america, first of all. that's why we get money.
second of all- i can't wait till china wipes america over. then we'll beg them for money. ahhh, to be under a dictator's regime.kind of like what you have now only without the election every four year which only showed what idiots you really are.
lots of love, and send some pop tarts, asi

 
At 1:24 AM, Blogger Asi & Edo said...

dear jon,
oh how i hate to write( a dear jon joke-brilliant). so am i ignorant or what? be blunt you humor less cap wearer.maybe then i will learn to stop. always refreshing to hear a response from an anus.

 

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