From one oleh(immigrant) to another

By Zev Forman

Around the same day that the people living in Jewish settlements in Gaza lost their homes, my summer job ended. Now, I don’t want to make an outright comparison between my loss of work with the loss suffered by the people living in those areas, but…

I knew that come the middle of August I would be out of a job; but I am single and mobile. Most of the people in Gush Katif have lived there for thirty some odd years and had created a nice government subsidized life for themselves. They had family, community and a beach view that was completely unobstructed by world opinion.

The only similarity between these people and myself is that we both now live within the Jewish State of Israel - for better and worse.

As I have talked (not acted) about getting a job this week, I have noticed “help wanted” signs all over the place. There are government agencies specifically available to help me to get me a job, and to make my life easier overall. There are also a number of organizations like the Association of Americans and Canadians in Israel (AACI) and Hadassah’s Merkaz Hamagshimim, which exist only to make the impossible task of immigrating to a new country just a bit simpler. I have to believe that with a bit of effort mixed with a little imagination that I will soon be gainfully employed.

In the spirit of all of those people who are trying to make my own move here easier, I want to be among the first to welcome the people of Gush Katif to Israel. I know that many of them have been citizens of Israel for a long time, but it is really nice to have them - well, most of them - living inside Israel proper.

Seeing so many people here to help me made me so happy. And, even though these people have been sucking at the teat of government subsidies for thirty plus years, I am certain that these re-settled patriots will find great opportunities inside a more cohesive Israel.

Now, you might be saying, “Zev, I saw these people, and I don’t think they view this as an opportunity. They commandeered the memory of the Holocaust and threw horrible things, like rocks and chemicals, at Israeli soldiers and police.”

You are right.

It does appear that there are those who do not think they can go on without sponging off of the government. There are those who would prefer to keep their unobstructed beach view. These are people with orange stars on their shirts and their hands in the air and holed up in synagogues. These are people who have put land before the safety of Israeli soldiers and in front of God. They have made a small strip of beach front property more important than peace.

My message to them, from one oleh to another, is simple. You are so lucky that you can now live in a Jewish state. Despite your shouts and incitement, those were not Nazis, Cossacks or even Americans removing you from your homes and synagogues. These were Jews evicting Jews. And, it seems, this allowed for more empathy than you may have expected with these Jewish soldiers and police who carried out their weighty task with tears in their eyes and you embraced in their arms – so long as you were willing to return the embrace.

Immigrating to a new country is hardly an easy thing. Israel, however, tries to make it a bit easier. I would like to say to our new trans-green line olim(immigrants), bruchim habaim(welcome) and behatzlecha(good luck)!

Zev Forman is a recent oleh to Israel. Since his movin’ on up he has been studying in the two-year long, intensive government regulated course to become a tour guide. Asides from his passion for geography he is a mean cook, wine connoisseur and keeps a soft spot for the ladies at all times. He’s one god damned, smooth cat and a BMF besides.

Suggestions for the Settlers

By Zev Forman and Ari Miller

We offer our advice – stemming from our own experiences having been evicted for reasons of financial delinquency and differences of moral perspective. To our orange brothers, overall we say, put on some blue and get on over here you crazy bastards. Each of us moved to Israel proper and things couldn’t be better.*

1. Get a beer, something stronger perhaps.

2. If Israel doesn’t work out, there’re plenty of hilltops in Iraq under American occupation. And that occupation looks like it has some staying power.

3. Set a good example for the Palestinians for when we come for them.

4. Moving to the West Bank is just asking for more trouble. (Tel Aviv may be hot, but it’s really nice and offers some stability)

5. Just relax, it’s all in good fun.

6. There’ll be plenty of Arabs to subjugate inside the green line.

7. Want to be a real Zionist? Move to the Negev.

8. Don’t worry, the international community will still look down upon you even after your move – especially France.

9. Recycle all those orange ribbons – you don’t want to piss off the environmental lobby, too.

10. If you barricade yourself wrapped in a prayer shawl within a synagogue, double check there are no Germans with a match in the vicinity.

11. Now you’ll all have more time to focus on other marginal right-wing causes such as, keeping non-Orthodox Judaism unrecognized in Israel, suppressing human rights for homosexuals and all those other problems associated with a non-theocratic state.

12. Just because you lost, does NOT mean you have to like it.

13. Now that you know religious fanaticism doesn’t work, why not try television and fast food.

14. As normal people pull their orange shirts out of the closet again, you can sit back and have a knowing chuckle that you fucked up their wardrobe for a brief period of time.

15. If you really pay attention to the disengagement plan you’ll realize that your kids will still get to go back to Gaza for visits during reserve duty – as long as they follow orders.

16. Don’t feel bad, we’re sure those orange stars seemed like a good idea at the time.

17. Think about all the money you could make with crazy tourist t-shirts with slogans like, “I lived in Gaza for 30 years and all I got was this stupid disengagement” or “No one in Gaza loves me” or “Apparently Jews DO transfer other Jews. My Bad!”

18. Now when Palestinian refugees hold up the keys to their old homes in Jaffa, you can answer with the keys to your old homes in Gaza – except for the compensation you received.

THE REAL LESSON: Now religious and secular will be able to go back to hating each other over issues that don’t involve color.

*definition of the word ‘better’ is subjective** with no explicit meaning of ‘good’ or ‘gooder’

**we do acknowledge that subjectivity is objective

A quick note

I apologize for not writing more on this blog. However, you might be interested to know, that I have been writing elsewhere.

First, check out my recent posting at Israelity.com, Petel is Hebrew for “what else you got?” Don't forget to leave a comment, and use some dirty words.

Second, my roomate and writing partner Asi, of incidents in the life of yozi fame, and I have been working on a couple of sketches we will be performing. Where and when? Excellent questions! Jerusalem, Ooh La La club on King George Street, 21:00, 20 August (a saturday night). In addition to the sketches there will also be improv in which we'll also participate.

You should go, and if you do, tell them you love god and that god sent you. For real, feel free to email for more information.

Other than that, there should be a new posting on this site in the very near future.