Q:What makes a superhero Jewish? A:Female genital mutilation.

By Asi Gal and Ari Miller

Israel has a superhero, Sabra - it’s about frickin’ time. Actually, it turns out that she has been around for a while, yet not many have heard of her. Maybe this is because she hasn’t done much around here. Except for killing her son’s killers. Being that she’s in the Mossad it seems that this would be an everyday job.

To me, the most amazing thing is that she was not created by Israelis. It was someone in the States who thought that Israel must have a superhero. What country needs it more? Well, maybe Tibet. But I doubt people would get very excited about a superhero that sits around, cross-legged and Zens everyone into accepting him.

Israel’s superhero has real powers. Odd powers yes, but real. First of all, it’s a she. The strongest woman Israel has had since Golda, only much prettier. However, seeing how she does not look like a tormented goat, the beauty thing is not so big an accomplishment (Boy, that’s giving it to Golda. Fuck all the harm she has caused this country. The biggest insult I can sling at her is that she was ugly. Ba-zzing!). Sabra is able to enhance all the abilities of her body. She has an anti-gravity suit and can shoot paralyzing quills. In other words, Marvel is telling us that Israel has to enhance it’s powers in order to survive but, at the same time, must be ready to get the fuck out of here as well. Also, when we use force, we shouldn’t use anything all that harmful like lasers, retractable claws or American manufactured armaments. Rather, our weaponry should consist of something more peaceful, like tranquilizing darts. Actually, quills.

Maybe the criticism is that all of our peace agreements are signed just to numb the people while the government grows bigger and the army more agile. I am not sure. Are Marvel anti-Semites? Probably. I’m sure they did not vote for us in the Eurovision (if you’re American and have no idea what I’m talking about you should be glad).

In all fairness, Israel has tried to produce its own superhero before. And failed. Sabra man survived for about three issues. The most successful superhero was called Super Shloomper. Because, it seems, that a superhero can’t really save us. Everyday there is so much shit going on, where would he start? Crime, terrorists, Israeli fanatics, the price of bread? Super Shloomper, mainly stayed at home and made fun of other superheroes using his dry, Jewish wit. In one issue he dealt with a crazy taxi driver and, in another, an insane taxi driver.

The odd thing is that, with our army, Israel should have tons of heroes. Yet, no real heroes are produced. In fact, one such non-hero inspired me to write this piece. This past July 4th marked the 30th anniversary of Operation Entebbe, an incredibly daring operation where Israel rescued Jewish-Israeli hostages kidnapped following the hijacking of an Air France plane by a never popular combination of Palestinian and German militants who then took refuge in the ironic location of Uganda, ruled at the time, by the Israeli trained Idi Amin-Dada (which is such a super villain name).

During this operation only one Israeli soldier was killed, Yoni Netanyahu – the older brother of Israel’s own super villain Bibi Netanyahu (another superb super villain name). It turns out, however, that Yoni’s death was most likely avoidable, due to an itchy trigger finger of one of the Zionist raiders. For the most part, Yoni Netanyahu emerged as THE hero of Operation Thunderbolt, later renamed Operation Yonaton after the deceased, specifically because of his demise.

This is Israel’s problem. All our heroes are dead ones. When Ron Arad finally returns home, he will be greeted as a hero. Sure, the guy will have survived some serious fucking hardship but all the guy will actually have done is not die. Perhaps, after a while it will be discovered that he is to blame for his own capture or, most likely, as was the case with the hilariously named Azzam Azzam, there will be tremendous national interest and then, after a month or so, we’ll just change the channel.

Despite it seeming that Israel could really use a hero, under no circumstances can we allow ourselves to have one. Not only does our intense Jewish guilt keep us from allowing the emergence of such a figure, we also have too many lawyers. If Batman ever came here he would be forced to pay for all the damage he causes. And, a bankrupt Wayne Enterprises isn’t good for anyone. No wonder Sabra moved to France. There she can fail as much as she wants and she’ll always know who to blame – fucking anti-Semitic, frog eating, quick to surrender mother fuckers.