Muhammad’s got nothing on Mickey Mouse.

If you remember, not too long ago there was some international going ons regarding a number of cartoons that depicted the Prophet Muhammad. Despite all the ruckus, they just weren’t very good – the cartoons or the choice manner in which the Muslim community reacted to the inked attack on their precious little prophet.

For this reason I did my best to avoid bringing my crappy, crappy blog into the hullabaloo. Overall, Ari Lives in Israel is still too young a publication to take on the rapture of the millions of Muslims that live in such close proximity to our point of production. Also, I feared there might be a copyright issue with the Danish publication that originally published these offensive gems. And pissing off the Muslims is one thing but you do not – I repeat DO NOT – want to fuck with the Danes.

Oh wait, I was thinking of the Muslims – you DO NOT want to fuck with the Muslims.

Asi and Zev on the other hand are just about two of the most insensitive faggots you will ever meet. Almost every day since the world erupted in Muhammad madness, I would get a phone call from each of them, pleading, “Come on man, don’t be such a pussy! Let’s fuck with the Muslims.” They’re always trying to get me to fuck with the Muslims because they fucking hate Muslims. It’s sick how fucking racist and prejudiced they are when it comes down to it. I love the Muslims. I’m fucking crazy about them and can’t seem to get enough of them.

It’s them fucking French that piss me the fuck off. Fuck you if you’re French. I’m not scared of you. Even the fucking Poles fought with swords on horseback against Nazi tanks and planes, you fucking cheese eating surrender monkeys. But, back to the cartoons.

Asi and Zev, after they finished fucking each others asses and preying upon the young fleshy buttocks of the small boys in their respective neighborhoods, would always be trying to get me to put up the Muslim cartoons. Now, I’m a huge Simpsons fan and I fucking loved Ren & Stimpy and when it comes down to it I even get a little turned on by Sponge Bob Square Pants and Dr. Katz. But, Asi and Zev would look at these Muhammad cartoons and just start laughing their fucking asses off like it was the funniest fucking shit that they have ever seen in their fucking lives. Idiots. But, maybe I just don’t get them. Or, maybe I’m part Muslim, which would be alright with me seeing as how I just fucking love Muslims.

Finally, I caved in, like the fucking French. Though to my kike-assed credit I did hold out for months longer than those baguette eating fucks ever did. But, I acquiesced with a compromise – rather than post the cartoons themselves I would describe them, in the attempt to avoid offending my sensitive-Semitic brethrens request that their prophet not be depicted graphically. The following is a choice of three of the cartoons that set the world on fire and inspired a string of educational, informative and, most importantly, not-at-all ignorant anti-Muslim chain emails.

Starting with my favorite cartoon, it’s a black and white rendering of a cartoonist drawing a picture of Muhammad. The cartoonist, who is bearded as is his subject, is sitting on a high-backed office chair, leaning forward and hunched over his drawing desk. A light hangs on the wall just above his head, illuminating only the most significant portion of the cartoon – the cartoonists head and the almost completely drawn face of Muhammad, whose face seems to be drawn bearing no discernible signs of disrespect. It is a typical drawing of a middle-aged middle-eastern man. A white kafiyah adorns his head, complete with the cord that secures it in place just above his brow and he has a long Semitic nose that ends in a point. His eyes are wide and show great expression, that of a serious man whose mission in life is at least as great as any other leader charged with the task of caring for a tribe of myriad nomads attempting to survive in a hostile, desert environment. While the drawing within the drawing does take on a somewhat generic nature, there is a not to clear label just above his head that reads, “Muhammad.”

The cartoonist in the cartoon, by contrast, does not look nearly as confident – drops of sweat fly off his brow, a clear sign of anxious stress. With a pencil in his right hand, his left arm stretches up the left side of his drawing with his left hand curving around the upper left-hand corner in a blatant attempt to obscure the contents of his paper from any potential onlookers. He wears glasses and has a cigarette hanging from his lips – potentially an anti-Islam statement being that tobacco is forbidden in the religion. However, as any one who has spent time around Muslim men will tell you, they sure do enjoy a good smoke.

The second cartoon is mildly offensive. In this instance Mohammad is depicted as a warrior flanked by two women. Both are completely covered save their eyes, all four of which are revealed through the eye slots in the traditional burqas they wear. Mohammad is centered between the two with the trio being set against an inked green backdrop. Clothed in the robes of a warrior, in his right hand, which crosses over his chest, he firmly grasps a curved sword pointed towards the ground. His black and white beard is wild, the point of his long nose splits his mustache in two. There is a slightly discernible smile hidden behind his facial hair. His eyes, however, are blocked out by a black stripe, apropos the missing piece of cloth from the women’s dress. From atop this blinding strip, which is reminiscent of the black stripe that covers the naughty bits of women on pornographic internet sites promos, his eyebrows emerge, jumping upwards towards his turban covered cranium. Muhammad’s left arm is extended downwards as if protecting his women from whatever danger is before him, having justified his drawn sword. The oddly interesting aspect to this cartoon is that the black stripe’s pornographic allusion is carried over to the women. Their one identifying characteristic is their huge eyes, opened wide, perfectly round and with long eyelashes framing them. These are the eyes of porn stars and they are decidedly exciting, offering the viewer a glimpse of suppressed sexuality and a desire to expose their repressed sexual and creative humanity. It is also possible that they are in complete shock and/or awe of whatever it is that Muhammad has drawn his sword against. This notion is complimented by Muhammad’s slight, sly smile, one that may be accompanying thoughts of an imminent sexual encounter.

Finally, there is a cartoon that, while not very creative or intuitive, is probably the most blatant of all the offerings. The setting is heaven and, as is the case when heaven is evoked in regard to Islam, a line of still smoking suicide martyrs await their entry. Alas, the pearly gates are not pictured, but an imam stands to great them with outstretched arms. “Stop stop we ran out of virgins,” he proclaims against a backdrop of fluffy clouds.

Bummer. You would think that heaven would have an endless supply of such a resource, but then again, it really is hard to know such things. I guess sometimes blind faith is just that, blind.