Arbeit Macht Frei in 6.5 weeks or less

By Other

This summer I will be working on a six and a half week trip to Israel. The participants are Conservative Jewish High school students, and I will be guiding them around the land of Israel. We will discuss history, argue politics and study religion. If I do my job right, they will come out of the program with lots of knowledge and maybe their world-view will be just a little different. In addition to being a tour guide, I am an educator and I love my job. It often reminds me of what I am doing here in Israel as I watch young people make the same discoveries about this land that I made when I was their age.

At the end of the summer, however, I am always saddened to see a group leave, knowing that they are returning to the US, where they will once again be taught that it is ok to be fat, dumb and lazy. Where they will learn that they should not fight for good, rather sit on their couch and consume. That they should worry more about Paris Hilton and Dawson Leary than an unjustified war in Iraq, dependence on foreign oil and the alarming rate at which the world’s climate is changing. Where they are taught that they can be as ignorant as they want and still rise to the top leadership role in the land.

This summer, I have decided, things are going to be very different. Thanks to the forward-thinking policy of Birthright, I have been shown a way around this problem. If you haven’t heard, last week Birthright decided not to allow a woman to participate on its 10-day free trip to Israel because of her plan to visit the Palestinian Territories after the program. This summer, I will follow the example set by Birthright. I have decided that any participant on my six and a half week trip who plans to return to the United States afterwards will not be allowed to attend. Regrettably, this means that there will be approximately a 98% drop in the number of participants on my trip. However, I feel that it is extremely important that what I teach them this summer is not undone by the American reality.

Not unlike that of Birthright’s program, the one with which I work is meant to teach young people about their connection to Israel and Judaism. America - which is a Christian country and is not Israel - inherently undermines the connections I construct between the youth in my charge to Judaism and Israel. While in America these impressionable youth are indoctrinated with the nationalistic idea that they are Americans. While there might be some truth in this, I do not want them to hear this. I do not want them participating in any debates as to whether they are American-Jews or Jewish-Americans. As far as they are concerned, when they take their leave of me, they are Jews with an eye towards aliyah. When they complete my program they will be singing “ain le eretz acheret,” which means, “I have no other land [than Israel].”

As an educator, I expect my lessons to have a lasting impression upon my students. Thanks to Birthright, I have learnt that it is possible to achieve my own goals by making it impossible for my students to view their world via a perspective other than what I choose to give them. Sure, I hope that the lessons that I teach my students this summer will be a more complex than what their peers are given by Birthright, which is to say a simplified ethnocentric world view that does not stand up to scrutiny. However, why take the risk. If putting blinders on our kids and giving them an incomplete, narrow world-view is the only way to educate them for them to emerge as pre-programmed propagandists, then this is the direction that Jewish Education must take. Thank you Birthright for being the trailblazer that you have become in the world of Jewish education.

”Those who can’t teach, teach gym. Those who can’t teach gym, teach Jewish education” – Henrietta Szold, founder of Hadassah

Muhammad’s got nothing on Mickey Mouse.

If you remember, not too long ago there was some international going ons regarding a number of cartoons that depicted the Prophet Muhammad. Despite all the ruckus, they just weren’t very good – the cartoons or the choice manner in which the Muslim community reacted to the inked attack on their precious little prophet.

For this reason I did my best to avoid bringing my crappy, crappy blog into the hullabaloo. Overall, Ari Lives in Israel is still too young a publication to take on the rapture of the millions of Muslims that live in such close proximity to our point of production. Also, I feared there might be a copyright issue with the Danish publication that originally published these offensive gems. And pissing off the Muslims is one thing but you do not – I repeat DO NOT – want to fuck with the Danes.

Oh wait, I was thinking of the Muslims – you DO NOT want to fuck with the Muslims.

Asi and Zev on the other hand are just about two of the most insensitive faggots you will ever meet. Almost every day since the world erupted in Muhammad madness, I would get a phone call from each of them, pleading, “Come on man, don’t be such a pussy! Let’s fuck with the Muslims.” They’re always trying to get me to fuck with the Muslims because they fucking hate Muslims. It’s sick how fucking racist and prejudiced they are when it comes down to it. I love the Muslims. I’m fucking crazy about them and can’t seem to get enough of them.

It’s them fucking French that piss me the fuck off. Fuck you if you’re French. I’m not scared of you. Even the fucking Poles fought with swords on horseback against Nazi tanks and planes, you fucking cheese eating surrender monkeys. But, back to the cartoons.

Asi and Zev, after they finished fucking each others asses and preying upon the young fleshy buttocks of the small boys in their respective neighborhoods, would always be trying to get me to put up the Muslim cartoons. Now, I’m a huge Simpsons fan and I fucking loved Ren & Stimpy and when it comes down to it I even get a little turned on by Sponge Bob Square Pants and Dr. Katz. But, Asi and Zev would look at these Muhammad cartoons and just start laughing their fucking asses off like it was the funniest fucking shit that they have ever seen in their fucking lives. Idiots. But, maybe I just don’t get them. Or, maybe I’m part Muslim, which would be alright with me seeing as how I just fucking love Muslims.

Finally, I caved in, like the fucking French. Though to my kike-assed credit I did hold out for months longer than those baguette eating fucks ever did. But, I acquiesced with a compromise – rather than post the cartoons themselves I would describe them, in the attempt to avoid offending my sensitive-Semitic brethrens request that their prophet not be depicted graphically. The following is a choice of three of the cartoons that set the world on fire and inspired a string of educational, informative and, most importantly, not-at-all ignorant anti-Muslim chain emails.

Starting with my favorite cartoon, it’s a black and white rendering of a cartoonist drawing a picture of Muhammad. The cartoonist, who is bearded as is his subject, is sitting on a high-backed office chair, leaning forward and hunched over his drawing desk. A light hangs on the wall just above his head, illuminating only the most significant portion of the cartoon – the cartoonists head and the almost completely drawn face of Muhammad, whose face seems to be drawn bearing no discernible signs of disrespect. It is a typical drawing of a middle-aged middle-eastern man. A white kafiyah adorns his head, complete with the cord that secures it in place just above his brow and he has a long Semitic nose that ends in a point. His eyes are wide and show great expression, that of a serious man whose mission in life is at least as great as any other leader charged with the task of caring for a tribe of myriad nomads attempting to survive in a hostile, desert environment. While the drawing within the drawing does take on a somewhat generic nature, there is a not to clear label just above his head that reads, “Muhammad.”

The cartoonist in the cartoon, by contrast, does not look nearly as confident – drops of sweat fly off his brow, a clear sign of anxious stress. With a pencil in his right hand, his left arm stretches up the left side of his drawing with his left hand curving around the upper left-hand corner in a blatant attempt to obscure the contents of his paper from any potential onlookers. He wears glasses and has a cigarette hanging from his lips – potentially an anti-Islam statement being that tobacco is forbidden in the religion. However, as any one who has spent time around Muslim men will tell you, they sure do enjoy a good smoke.

The second cartoon is mildly offensive. In this instance Mohammad is depicted as a warrior flanked by two women. Both are completely covered save their eyes, all four of which are revealed through the eye slots in the traditional burqas they wear. Mohammad is centered between the two with the trio being set against an inked green backdrop. Clothed in the robes of a warrior, in his right hand, which crosses over his chest, he firmly grasps a curved sword pointed towards the ground. His black and white beard is wild, the point of his long nose splits his mustache in two. There is a slightly discernible smile hidden behind his facial hair. His eyes, however, are blocked out by a black stripe, apropos the missing piece of cloth from the women’s dress. From atop this blinding strip, which is reminiscent of the black stripe that covers the naughty bits of women on pornographic internet sites promos, his eyebrows emerge, jumping upwards towards his turban covered cranium. Muhammad’s left arm is extended downwards as if protecting his women from whatever danger is before him, having justified his drawn sword. The oddly interesting aspect to this cartoon is that the black stripe’s pornographic allusion is carried over to the women. Their one identifying characteristic is their huge eyes, opened wide, perfectly round and with long eyelashes framing them. These are the eyes of porn stars and they are decidedly exciting, offering the viewer a glimpse of suppressed sexuality and a desire to expose their repressed sexual and creative humanity. It is also possible that they are in complete shock and/or awe of whatever it is that Muhammad has drawn his sword against. This notion is complimented by Muhammad’s slight, sly smile, one that may be accompanying thoughts of an imminent sexual encounter.

Finally, there is a cartoon that, while not very creative or intuitive, is probably the most blatant of all the offerings. The setting is heaven and, as is the case when heaven is evoked in regard to Islam, a line of still smoking suicide martyrs await their entry. Alas, the pearly gates are not pictured, but an imam stands to great them with outstretched arms. “Stop stop we ran out of virgins,” he proclaims against a backdrop of fluffy clouds.

Bummer. You would think that heaven would have an endless supply of such a resource, but then again, it really is hard to know such things. I guess sometimes blind faith is just that, blind.

It’s not a “mezu-zah” it’s a “mezu-zon’t”

In both my previous and current apartments I removed the mezuzahs from my doorposts. For better or for worse, but really for worse, mostly every building in Israel has a mezuzah on just about every doorpost, as dictated by Jewish law. This does not apply to the bathroom because you know what you do in there. And for reasons unexplained, it does not apply to one’s bedroom, or any other room for that matter, where (dependent upon your level of sexual perversity) one partner masturbates while the other partner shits and/or pees on the other’s face – all under the divine protection of the torahnic versus contained within.

As a non-practicing, uninterested Jew the idea of having a mezuzah on any of my doorposts seems contradictory to my desire to minimize, as much as possible, religious manifestations in my personal life. It is very important that this includes the piece of parchment encased in a crappy piece of plastic (or expensive and ornate piece of judaica if you live in cap loving America) despite the fact that it comes free with the dwelling. Which leads me to my next point, the religious coercion that is a “free mezuzah.” All Jews are genetically programmed to desire free goods, but should it also be forbidden, such as ham, or undesirable, as is a mezuzah, then there is a natural quandary as which path to pursue, free or forbidden. The important point here is that in along these terms a mezuzah is equal to ham, though not as delicious, unless deep fried but then again what isn’t delicious if it’s deep fried, like chicken fried steak, okra, snickers, oreo cookies and, of course, a mezuzah with a ham parchment inscribed with the holy words of the shma prayer rolled up inside it.

Unfortunately, I am forced to report that the overwhelming majority of Israeli Jews, secular as they may be, have given in en masse to their genetic programming. The mezuzah remains possibly the single most widespread occurrence that is religious in origin. However, it seems, that the hanging, or to be more specific, the keeping up of the mezuzah has little to do with religious identification after all. Most, it seems view the ubiquitous mezuzah as little more than a good luck charm.

Now, for be it from me to scorn the disrespect of religion. If someone wants to make fun of, point out the many falsities or just plain piss on the face of Jesus, Yahweh and whoever the guy is that the Muslims worship then more power to them, or not, I really don’t care. But the point is, it seems that transforming a religious article that contains what millions of partially retarded religiously observant people consider to be the word of god into nothing more than a Semitic horse shoe, then that is the real offense to god. But hey, if god can’t take a good joke, then fuck him or her or it.

All power to the voo doo man.